American Horror Story's back back back back back baaaaaaaaaack! (**Author twirls, tips bowler hat, finishes with jazz hands.**)
Did y'all enjoy your break? Hopefully you avoided scooping out your friends' eyeballs with melon ballers or resurrecting old serial killers while you were supposed to be relaxing and enjoying your vacations, but knowing you Coven-heads, it seems doubtful! You never stop working/hurting the world with your magic.
Anyway, a lot has changed since we last gathered around the boiling cauldron of FX's spooOOoookiest hour-long series. Queenie might be dead! All the witches are under one roof! Also: STEVIE NICKS HAS COME TO AHS: COVEN. Yes, Queen Fleetwitch has twirled into the building, playing herself and ready to dazzle us all, but mostly for the benefit of #1 fan/bog sorceress Misty Day (but also mostly mostly for the benefit of me). Is this all a part of Fiona's dangerous crackpot scheme to squirrel out the next Supreme? Um, definitely, but really, who cares. IT'S STEVIE.
Since Cordelia's husband Hank shot up Marie Laveau's salon (a scene that is definitely in my top 5 most traumatic AHS scenes of all time) and was killed in a heroic move by Queenie in the last episode, Marie has fled to Miss Robichaux's seeking an alliance with Fiona and the rest of the coven so that they can join together to fight the witch hunters. Fiona is quick to accept, less because she wants Laveau's help and more because she can finally learn the secret of Marie's immortality.
That secret, it turns out, is a pretty tragic one. Back in the 1800s — when she was just a simple, mortal voudon with an only sliiightly above average bloodlust — Laveau made a deal with Papa Legba (the mythical figure who, in Haitian Voudo, works as an intermediary between the world of the living and the world of the spirits). He would give her immortality in exchange for her soul and the additional tribute of one innocent life a year, starting with Laveau's own baby.
Fiona, who's been on a real dickish rampage lately, tries to make a similar deal, only Papa wants nothing to do with her. Why? Well, as Papa informs her, she has no soul left to give. Shiiiiiit, man. Rough gig.
This news unfortunately/unsurprisingly fails to make Fiona calm da fuck down. Rather than accepting her own mortality, she instead decides on a long game where, ideally, she'll end up killing everybody she knows, even her own charges and daughter. (Great plan, except every person who dies on this show comes back IMMEDIATELY so you killing them probably won't matter.) Whatever, Fiona. Go back to doing coke in your kimono like you're Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights.
In good news, the time has finally come for Fiona and Marie to join forces. The bad news is that when together, the two witches are FOR REAL evil. For one of their first bonding moments, the pair drown fan favorite Nan in a bathtub to help pay Laveau's pure soul tribute to Papa. Sad to note: the purest witch in the coven is the same witch who forced Patti Lupone to drink bleach until she died and nearly forced another witch to stick a burning cigarette up her vagina. Sadder news: she's now dead.
This one's for you, Nan. You really were a gem and I hope you get nether-world revenge on the fabulous women who killed you.
Elsewhere, Madison locked Misty in a coffin to up her chances of being the next Supreme (this bitch again?) and Fiona curled up on the couch to cry and listen to Stevie sing at the piano.
All in all, A Very Special Episode.
This week's baddest witch? While I am tempted to give it to either Stevie or Myrtle Snow and her magical theremin, the title has to go to Nan. She killed a multiple-time Tony winner and didn't even let her sing a swan song. Pretty bad, indeed.