Last night on the red carpet at the AMAs, there were a lot of hot white outfits, a smattering of cool dark gowns and just the right number of what the fuck getups.
We'll start with the dudes. R. Kelly has some kind of leather skirt kilt panel. In horn-rimmed glasses and a skinny suit, J.Lo's boyfriend Beau "Casper" Smart looks smart.
Doing what they do: 2 Chainz, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Dave Grohl (with Jordyn Blum).
In tux jackets with narrow-leg pants: Jesse McCartney, Trevor Jackson, Tyga. In black on black instead of Browncoat: Nathan Fillion.
Nelly and Marc Anthony keep it casual. Austin Mahone is on his way to the woodsprite prom.
Black jeans and apathy: Fall Out Boy.
Black and gray and heartthrobby all over: One Direction.
In ten years when the Harry Styles solo project goes number one, Zayn Malik will be on a beach in Ibiza doing Sudoku.
On to the ladies!
Lady Godivga arrived by horse, wearing same Versace gown she rocks in the brand's new ad campaign.
Jennifer Hudson and Sarah Silverman both look gorgeous in citrusy, juicy, bright dresses, even if JHud's hem is a little cray.
Also fab in vivid hues: Rocsi Diaz, Jenna Ushkowitz.
Shiny in sequins: Ariana Grande. Her expression matches mine when it comes to this gown. Mmkay.
Shiny in baggy pewter: Emma Roberts. It's kind of misshapen but I like it, and love the amethyst accents.
Shiny in silver with gold-studded hair: Kelly Osbourne. She got some shit for this Rami Al Ali gown, but I think it's lovely.
More shiny: Taylor Swift in some remnants from a Solid Gold dancer's giveaway pile. (The dress is by Julian McDonald. That horrifying delta of venus-shaped pantyhose patch on the front wasn't there when it was shown on the runway. Someone added it. Downgrade.)
Zoe Saldana's asymmetrical gown is sitting right on that line between appealing and appalling. At first glance yes but then on second glance no and then on third glance, hideous. And doesn't she need some lipcolor? It brightens the face!
Ciara's dress leaves very little to the imagination, but at this point we've seen so much illusion/sheer/nakedness on the red carpet it's like whatever.
OMFG Joan Jett looks amazing in black and navy with a touch of purple, the epitome of I love rock'n roll. Not to get all She Has Had It but can I get a yassss kween?
Before she put on her pan-Asian show, Katy Perry went retro romantic in chiffon polka dots and embroidered flowers. Very sweet. Do we like the Dictionary clutch?
Jordin Sparks opts for a Gladiator/Game Of Thrones/Rome vibe and it's steamier than a fresh tiger shit in the Coliseum.
Alicia Silverstone shines in graphic/geometric gold and black.
Two versions of black: Heidi Klum in lace and fringe; Jaimie Alexander in a warrior-goes-clubbing jumpsuit.
Ke$ha's hair is cool. Ke$ha's dress is confuzzling.
Ke$ha's nails and rings are fierce.
MC Lyte is a smokin' badass in the littlest of LBDs. Naya Rivera is Morticia Addams as played by Sharon Stone in Casino.
Lil' Mama's rather overwhelming green-accented ballroom gown seems like it would be more appropriate on a seasoned doyenne. Chilli and T-Boz have looked better.
Now we're entering the ivory/white/cream portion of the program. Kendall Jenner's skimpy dress is high-fashion Wilma Flintstone. Kylie Jenner's lobster bib is crisp.
Bonnie McKee's tight white mermaid situation has got to be uncomfortable.
Christina Aguilera: A smidge Jean Harlow with a large spoonful of Marilyn Monroe, a cup of Jayne Mansfield and a dash of Diana Dors, making her 100% bombshell. The eyeliner and lip color are faaaaabulous. (Dress by Maria Lucia Hohan.)
More slinky white: Nicole Richie works the hell out of an Emilio Pucci gown.
Scorching white hot Studio 54 realness: Zendaya in a flowing asymmetrical top, snake bracelets and platform shoes.
You know what? This is the best of the night: Stark white fitted Versace suit. Miley Cyrus turned 21 and busted out a simple, chic, sexy-bit-not-vulgar pantsuit and looked amazing. Kinda wish she had red lips but it's so cool I really shouldn't complain. Well done.
Her dad, on the other hand…
Images via Getty.