TERRIBLE NEWS ALERT: Adam Levine Is Confirmed as Sexiest Man Alive

This is not a test. This is real life. Sorry, Madeleine (and humanity), your worst fears have come true. Adam Levine is officially the sexiest man in the world and there's nothing you can do about it.

Personally, I'm conflicted because my undercarriage is all YES PLEASE and my brain is telling my mouth to throw up on my vulva and it's such a mess. I just want to fuck him and then kill him. IS THAT SO WRONG? (Yes. You're right; it is so wrong. Adam Levine must go.)

If you ever need to torture anyone Clockwork Orange-style, use that Vine. That will break any person in ten minutes flat.

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DO AS THE VOICE SAYS. CONGRATULATE HIM. DO IT THROUGH YOUR TEARS.