For a woman who has built an empire marketing her own smugly tied gingham ribbon of perfection and self-satisfied domesticity, Martha Stewart is remarkably terrible at one thing that, in the digital age, is almost unavoidable: sharing pictures of food on social media. In fact, Martha Stewart's Twitter feed is characterized by food photos so awful that they make gourmet cuisine look about as appetizing as medical textbooks.
Don't get me wrong; I love Martha Stewart and her Cooking School book changed my life. It actually makes me feel good to know she's not perfect. Makes her more relatable than even her felony conviction. But, Christ, the food tweets. They're so bad.
First, there was this, which a friend pointed out to me today:
It just looks like she drank a gallon of heavy cream, ran a mile to the quad, and barfed on a plate of lettuce as part of a bizarre hazing ritual.
But the Icebarf lettuce wedge was only the tip of the Bad Twitter Food Photos iceberg.
There's also this:
Which is the sort of picture quality one might expect from a cell phone image of Robert Downey Jr surreptitiously captured on the D train.
Which doesn't really look like any specific kind of food. If you told me it was a plate of Velveeta squares, I'd believe it.
Many of Martha's food photography conveys the quality that noted perv Terry Richardson captures in his work:
Overexposed and harsh, like maybe it was pressured into giving a hand job right before the shoot.
How is this one both blurry and shiny?
Why is this brioche emerging from the shadows to warn me?
What are these traumatized looking tomatoes hiding?
Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of Martha's failed food photos is that the descriptions make the food items sound delicious.
Like these sorbets! In theory, sorbet is fantastic! In Marthavision, they're lumps of play doh that taste like boogers.
I'm sure it was beautiful in person, Martha, but on Twitter it kind of makes me not want to eat anything for the rest of the day.
Is this Soylent Green?
Is this food refused by Dickensian orphans?
Is this cat food?
But the best one is this, which Madeleine Davies described from 3 feet to my left as something resembling a still shot from "one of those YouTube zit popping videos."
It's not a good thing.