14 Cruel and Incorrect Assumptions People Have Made Based on How We Look

By Jia Tolentino & Bobby Finger | May 16, 2016 | 8:50pm

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It’s honesty week at Gawker Media, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned here, it’s this: Never forget not to not NOT judge a book by its cover. Inspired by BuzzFeed, we’ve put together a list of the most wrong and cruel things people think based on our appearances.

1. “That because I’m a redhead, Carrot Top is my dad!”

“People think Carrot Top is my dad just because I have red hair. He is!”

2. “That just because I sniff two tablespoons of glue every day at 11 a.m., that I really like office supplies.”

“A man can just like glue.”

–Andy Orin

3. “That just because I look like someone who doesn’t necessarily have a basement full of severed ears, that I don’t actually have a basement that’s absolutely brimming with severed ears.”

“My basement is full of ears.”

–Anna Merlan

4. “That just because I walk on two legs, that my mom does too.”

“My mom is a doggie!”

–Jia Tolentino

5. “That just because I’m cishet, I wouldn’t fuck a watermelon.”

“I fuck watermelons on a regular basis.”

–Barry Petchesky

6. “That just because I’m a mammal, photosynthesis isn’t occurring on my front scalp every day.”

“Can you help me?”

–Joanna Rothkopf

7. “That just because I look Martian, have wall-to-wall red carpet in my apartment, and make constant references to how much better life is on a different planet, that I’m actually from Mars.”

“I’m interested in a lot of planets.”

–Bobby Finger

8. “That my wedding ring has ANYTHING to do with fking!”**

“What goes on in my bedroom is none of your business!”

–Kelly Stout

9. “That the large bag of money around my neck is worth more than $1.45.”

“You start feeling the neck strain around 85 cents.”

–Ashley Feinberg

10. “That just because I’m tall, I’m an NBA player that is not Penny Hardaway.”

“It’s me.”

–Penny Hardaway

11. “That people with glasses can’t start an eyelash bar, be a working mother, have a baby with Tyga, successfully establish a side narrative on America’s most prominent reality TV franchise, create their own emojis, and be intersectional feminists too.”

“Robert Kardashian is the kindest man I’ve ever met.”

–Jordan Sargent

12. “That my sexual history has anything to do with how far I can throw a football.”

“Just hand me a football. I’ll throw it all the way over there.”

–Sam Biddle

13. “That just because most people are born with one normal butthole, that I was also born with one normal butthole.”

“The scar sort of looks like a crushed railroad penny!”

–Madeleine Davies

14. “That just because my dick looks like it has problems, that I have problems with my dick.”

“I wish people would understand that even if a guy’s dick is all mashed up and covered in scar tissue, it still works.”

–Tom Ley