This week, a 1,111 carat diamond has been found in Botswana’s Karowe mine, the size of a human palm and the second-largest in known history. I mean, hallelujah, you guys!

Have you had the sweats recently? Were your ears ringing all night? Do you feel faint? Do you have a low-grade fever? Yes, me too—that’s because our woman-tuition knew this was coming way before BBC did! Here are 12 amazing things I know each and every one of you is just itching to do with this gigantic throbbing rock:

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  1. Order an extra burrito at Chipotle, explaining bashfully, “Oh, it’s for my diamond.”
  2. Carry it in your pocket as a grounding device for when you get anxious at house parties; when someone is telling a funny personal anecdote to the group, slip it out and slam it on a table and look every single person in the eye one by one.
  3. Publish a YouTube tutorial for teen girls called “How to Talk to Boys” with real-life clips of you and your diamond chatting about lacrosse.
  4. Bring your diamond with you onstage at karaoke for a devastating rendition of Ariana Grande’s “One Last Time”; shine it in the audience’s eyes during the hard parts.
  5. Send it in a cardboard box to the office of the romantic interest who never texted you back as a symbol of your #unbreakable spirit and also so that you have a reason to text them again because you definitely need that back.
  6. Chisel off little pieces of it for a protein-rich and low-fat mid-afternoon snack. “I’m literally shitting diamonds!” you’ll finally get to shrug with a smile, as your pants fill with blood.
  7. Take it on a jog to the dirty canal that runs through your neighborhood. Toss it in! “Oops!” Never forget that you are powerful.
  8. Throw it at one of your coworkers when they laugh too loud at jokes. “Wow, this is so distracting?” you can complain as they’re wheeled to the emergency room.
  9. March into Lisa Vanderpump’s Beverly Hills mansion, plop it right in the middle of her tuna tartare salad, start sobbing, show her your cleavage, and demand a job at SUR.
  10. Draw a little face on it and disappear from society.
  11. Whisper Find light in the beautiful sea, I choose to be happy over and over and over again at your diamond until you pass out or it transforms into Rihanna and invites you to her grow house in Barbados, either/or.
  12. Wear it, as is, on a simple chain around your neck. Allow your chest bruise to turn blue, and then purple, and then black, and revel in the sweet, delicious agony of being incrementally crushed to death by something so beautiful.

Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.

Image via Associated Press.