101 Things Older Than Hillary Clinton

Mitt Romney’s top strategist told reporters last month that electing Hillary Clinton would be like time traveling back to the Dark Ages, because she’s such a decrepit crone. “She’s been around since the ’70s,” he said. (Significantly more archaic: the GOP’s stance on women’s wages, reproductive systems, and “femininity” in general. But let’s talk about the wrinkled hag!)

Hillary will turn 66 this coming October, which means she’d turn 70 during her hypothetical first year as POTUS. Okay, she’s probably not getting carded anymore. But she’s hardly old enough to be ridiculed by Republicans like Senator/House Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who said the 2016 Democratic field was like “a rerun of ‘The Golden Girls.'” (BTW, McConnell is 71.)

Here are 101 animals, vegetables, and minerals that are older than Hillary Clinton.

1. GOP Senator/failed presidential candidate John McCain (76)

2. A $450 bottle of Chateau Lynch-Bages, Pauillac, France (73)

3. This Antarctic beech (~12,000)

4. World’s oldest Torah (~800)

5. Texas Congressman Ralph Hall (90)

6. Misao Okawa, the oldest person in the world (115)

7. Oldest milk tooth (86+)

8. Oldest love poem (VERY OLD)

9. Oldest penis (~100 million years)

10. Oldest nun (113)

11. Oldest practicing barber (102)

12. Nathan Deal, GOP Governor of Georgia (70)

13. Pope Francis (76 when elected)

14. Oldest continuous ice core (740,000)

15. Oldest vomit (160 million years)

16. Oldest spider silk (120 million years+)

17. Oldest person to grow a wisdom tooth (80)

18. Pope Benedict XVI (78 when elected)

19. Queen Victoria (ruled until she was 81)

20. Oldest complete cutlery set (400)

21. Warren Buffett (82)

22. Charles Koch (77)

23. Former GOP Senator Bob Dole (90)

24. Oldest whiskey (~162)

25. Oldest shipwreck (~7,000)

26. Queen Elizabeth II (87)

27. Dr. Ruth (85)

28. GOP Senator Charles Ernest “Chuck” Grassley (79)

29. GOP Senator Orrin Hatch (79)

30. Antarctic moss (2,200)

31. Welwitschia (2,000+)

32. Oldest competitive ballroom dancer (101)

33. Oldest appointed prime minister (81 at time of appointment)

34. Oldest mummy (VERY OLD)

35. Oldest professional fashion model (84)

36. Oldest age reached by a survivor of the Titanic disaster (100)

37. GOP Senator Jim Inhofe (78)

38. Oldest father (92)

39. Oldest living bacteria (VERY OLD)

40. Some very old burnt british bread (~5500)

41. The original noodles (4,000+)

42. This tin of chocolate (110)

43. Former President Ronald Reagan (69 at his inauguration)

44. Oldest tick (90 million years)

45. Oldest canon (549)

46. Oldest football (~450 years old)

47. Beverly Cleary (97)

48. Zsa Zsa Gabor (96)

49. GOP Senator Pat Roberts (77)

50. GOP Senator Mitch McConnell (71)

51. GOP Senator Thad Cochran (75)

52. Billy Graham (94)

53. Doris Lessing (93)

54. Oldest insect (~410 million years)

55. Mickey Rooney (91)

56. The Properties of Things by Bartholomaeus Anglicus (731)

57. The U.S. Constitution (226)

58. My grandpa (90)

59-65. The Seven Wonders of the World (SO OLD AS TO BE MOSTLY NONEXISTENT, CURRENTLY)

66. Former U.S. Representative Ron Paul (77)

67. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (71)

68. Oldest champagne (188)

69. Robert J Bentley, Governor of Alabama (70)

70. Oldest fart joke (VERY OLD)

71-80. The world’s oldest living trees (VERY OLD)

81. Oldest message in a bottle (spent 97 years and 309 days at sea)

82. Sheldon Adelson (79)

83. Oldest extracted human DNA (~100,000)

84. Oldest designer label (168)

85. Clement Leroy “Butch” Otter, Governor of Idaho (71) (Best name ever)

86. Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud, King of Saudi Arabia (88)

87. Coelacanth (SO OLD)

88. Rupert Murdoch (82)

89. Mickey Mouse (85)

90. David Koch (73)

91. Oldest mollusk (~410)

92. Doris Cicely Long, the oldest person to abseil (97)

93. Chariton’s Chaireas & Callirhoe, the oldest novel (VERY OLD)

94. The world’s oldest surviving working clock (627)

95. Roberta McCain, John McCain’s mother (101)

96. Oldest known sample of weapons-grade Plutonium (72)

97. Oldest island (80-100 million years)

98. Oldest Koran (VERY OLD)

99. Hanako the koi, the longest-living recorded vertebrate (226)

100. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (77)

101. THE UNIVERSE. (Approximately 13.77 billion years. So, slightly older than the GOP would like us to think of Hillary.)