Last night at midnight, the world was finally blessed with the video for Nicki Minaj's latest single, Anaconda. The song itself has always been a bit meh, we all knew this. But she more than made up for it with an aggressive hype campaign and the video itself certainly lived up to expectations. If nothing else, Nicki Minaj has created, what I believe to be, the most gif-able music video ever.
1) Butts, assess, badonkadonks—we have plenty! This may be a shock to some of you due to the subtlety of the track's album artwork, but that's what we're talking about here. Butts. And looking at them. And slapping them. And licking them. And bouncing them. And popping them. And jiggling them. And toning them. And gently tapping them like human bongos.
2) The names high fashion of designers can be tricky — something I learned the first time I tried to say Yves Saint Laurent out loud. Which is why it was nice to hear Nicki put her own, slightly less accurate spin on the pronunciation of Balmain. Everyone else says Bal-mahn but Nicki went literal with it—Bal-main. And rhymed it with "cocaine."
3) Is this workout effective? Are those 2 lb weights? How often must I do this workout before I have crafted Nicki's body? Does performing this working in a pink bikini increase its effectiveness?
4) It has already been decreed that this shall be the hottest dance of 2014. I call it the plank-twerk. It is inspired (I assume) by the 2010 planking fad with a booty jiggle thrown in for good measure. I give it exactly one week before imitation videos of the plank-twerk are all over YouTube and Vine.
5) It seems like a rule now that all music videos must include some sort of product placement. In Anaconda we have the annoyingly ubiquitous Beats Pill, in addition to a nice closeup of a treasure chest of Myx — Nicki's line of flavored moscato beverages. Say what you want but the girl is getting paid.
6) Onika Tanya Maraj can pull off the sweatpants and exposed g-string look and no one else.
7) The banana imagery in this video is downright skillful. God willing, Nicki will start some sort of all-banana food blog or perhaps get a show in the cooking channel. In this week's episode of Dirty Homemaker, Nicki shows you how to peel a banana seven ways.
8) There is a distinct lack of men in the video. Yes, it is sexually charged and there is an abundance of ass shaking and scantily clad-ness, but it's all done under a lack of male gaze. We're simply watching a group of beautiful women with stunning butts and impeccable tans twerk around a man-less tropical island. No, it's not exactly a bell hooks dissertation, but it's important and vibes nicely with Nicki's "I do what I want, when I want, how I want" brand of feminism.
9) The only man we see throughout the entire video is poor Drake. Nicki will shake her ass in your face all she wants, but unless you have her express permission, you best not be touching. And then she'll strut away leaving you all alone to contemplate your extreme irrelevancy to the entire endeavor.
10) Nicki really, really loves her butt and she wants you to love it too. She makes a number of mentions of all the "skinny bitches" basically telling them to step aside. I'm sure she likes some skinny bitches-she and Rihanna are friends, after all—but this is an ode to her "fat ass big bitches in the club." You may disagree with her choice of language, but I dunno guys, I just can't be mad at that.