10 Reasons Sluts Make Better Friends

Apparently, college-aged women prefer prudes as friends. Or rather, given the chance to evaluate two gals as suitable friends — a sexually permissive woman versus a non-sexually permissive one — they rate the girl least likely to suck a dick more positively. Even as they proclaim themselves liberal on the subject of having loads of lovers, casual or otherwise, themselves. Sorry ladies, but you got this one all backwards.

In the study, 751 college students answered questions about their own whoring propensities, then read vignettes about a male or female peer who’d either slept with 20 people (whaaa) or two (whew). Then they rated them for friendship suitability based on friendly-type characteristics like warmth or emotional stability.

Women preferred the legs-crossed abstainers, while men were pretty meh about whether other dudes got a lot of tail. Upside: Nobody likes a poacher, though, so both sexes weren’t into the idea of friends who posed a threat to their mates. But women judged promiscuity more negatively all around.

Yawn. This much we know: Dudes are testeronally obligated to get it on; women must guard thine delicate ladyflower with a blah blah black sheep and police among themselves.

The findings suggest that though cultural and societal attitudes about casual sex have loosened in recent decades, women still face a double standard that shames “slutty” women and celebrates “studly” men, said lead author Zhana Vrangalova, a Cornell graduate student in the field of human development. The study, titled “Birds of a Feather? Not When it Comes to Sexual Permissiveness” and published in the early online edition of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, reports that such social isolation may place promiscuous women at greater risk for poor psychological and physical health outcomes.

Never forget: Fucking a lot will leave you friendless. Since prior research tells us that men don’t marry sluts, this single-handledly turns these Jezebels into the Hester Prynnes of their own social circles. Next stop: isolation, very sad hoodies and having to slut it up the next school over.

Who will befriend these terrible sex-crazed gargoyles? LOVE this sentence:

She suggested future research to determine whom they could befriend — perhaps straight or gay men who would be accepting of their behaviors.

Whew, maybe the gays will take them, or at least straight men who don’t want to fuck them.

OK, so problem is that there aren’t just two types of sexual people. And there aren’t just two types of sexual women especially, since we’re the ones being judged so harshly. You aren’t either screaming all aboard or the buck stops here!

As if sexual behavior is some constant, unchanging outlook, attitude, and set of choices. As if it doesn’t change with time, age, or circumstance. As if a woman can’t experiment sometimes but not others, based on a highly subjective, shifting set of criteria throughout her life.

But more importantly, the opposite halo effect here — where the slut is also someone who isn’t a good friend — is a sick burn, y’all. This suggests not just that promiscuous women don’t ever respect boundaries — a woman who likes sex will most def steal your boyfriend — but it also suggests they don’t make for good listeners, or give rides to the airport, or buy awesome birthday presents or tell funny jokes. Booooooo.

The truth is, it’s sluts (or whatever you want to call a lady stud — funny how there’s no word for that! — but for our purposes we’ll stick with “slut” as an affirmation) who make the better friends. ESPECIALLY in college, when you get yourself in all kinds of sticky situations — no pun intended — and could use the fast thinking of a seasoned sexual vet. To wit:

She’s More Sympathetic

If nothing else, a slut knows what it’s like to be ostracized, which means she’s going to get it when you’re feeling rejected or down or on the outskirts of your own life. She’s been there, and she can relate.

She’s More Fun

No surprise that the one friendly factor sluts scored well on in the survey was outgoingness. And I don’t mean in the sexual sense, even, though that’s obviously true. I mean in the more-likely-to-want-to-have-a-good-time sense, perhaps in an off-the-cuff way. Her sense of adventure leaks out of her vagina and into yours, er, the night.

She’s Got Your Ass

She’s got her own ass to worry about, but she also cares about yours. Sluts are tougher than the average woman, because they have to be. So when the shit goes down and you need someone to back you up, a slut knows the world is a hostile, indifferent place and that people gotta stick together.

She’s More Fashionable

Sluts can’t slut it up in yesterday’s fashions. To lock a guy down for the night or the moment, she’s got to look her best and project a sense of mystery and intrigue in aspirational wear that works for multiple functions. Watch/learn.

She Makes Better Conversation

A slut understands the art of the seduction, which means she gets banter. She can say interesting stuff, and make jokes, and get jokes, and be a part of the conversation, and that extends to you, too, my shy little butterfly.

She Talks About Real Shit

You can have frank conversations about sex, love, foibles, frustrations, with none of the giggly embarrassment. Realized you got your period during a hookup? No bigs. Found yourself drunk and giving a beej to your ex you still hate? She’s been there.

She’s More In Touch With Herself

As studies are finally figuring out, women are horndogs, too, and a woman who owns that early is a marvel. It takes a lot to accept yourself a sexual, autonomous being who can pursue sex boldly and not be treated like some aggressive mutant. Some women spend their whole lives figuring this out.

She’s More Open Minded

As a known sexual deviant, she’s more likely to understand the nature of human sexuality and accept all variations within as a normal, worthwhile part of the spectrum.

She’s Quick on Her Feet

The more sexually adventurous woman has to figure out how to drop a pin, call a cab, secret bail in the morning, find some Plan B, and locate all good side streets for the next-day walk of shame. Handy. Also, lust is a battlefield. Need to thwart some advances or block a cock? Call her in.

She Has Standards

I know it seems like a promiscuous person doesn’t have standards, but they do. Being open or adventurous sexually doesn’t mean you will sleep with anyone, it means you’re looking for a certain chemistry and become very good at detecting it, very quickly.

But that doesn’t mean you should go make friends with the nearest slut. That would be silly. Because a good friend is someone you like, who does the things you want a friend to do. If you actually think it has anything to do with how many people she has slept with, rethink your major.